Vicky Pollard of Little Britain fame, made “Yeah but no but..” #1 of the UK’s TV Catchphrases. I’ve experienced many conversational “Yes but” people and a handful of “No but“. What’s the difference? What are you?

“Yes but..” people may have a different viewpoint to mine but express it by acknowledging my perspective and then offering an alternative. The conversation flows. We both feel valued. Consensus is reached, even if it is very different to my initial viewpoint.

“No but..” people seem to feel compelled to repeatedly disagree even though their view may not be too different to mine. In some extreme cases, they’ll bat back my thought but then eventually get round to repeating it, making it sound like they had originated it. The conversation feels stressed and competitive; like there needs to be a winner and a loser.

One extreme experience involved what should have been a relaxed country-pub meal with my colleague Andy and one of our company VPs. We were there to discuss his potential role as exec sponsor of our customer. Even over aperitifs it became apparent that most of what I said was “wrong”, though oddly he regurgitated my perspectives during starters and savoured them alongside the main course. I was too exhausted to enjoy a desert. Leaving the venue, Andy remarked “What have you done to cause that?” So it wasn’t just me. Thankfully the VP left the company before he had a chance to do it to our beloved customer!

What drives the “No but..” style?

• Ego? You threaten their significance.
• Insecurity? Their safety is at risk by you.
• Competition? We can’t both be right so you must be wrong.

Is it discriminate?

• Is there general negativity towards everybody?
• Or do specific people trigger the response? (as I did with my VP in the pub)
• Should we take some responsibility by the way we engage with them?

Have you been on the receiving end?

• You may not have identified it but has there been tension in conversation? Could this be why?
• How have you reacted? Backed-down and given in? Argued, trying to assert your value?
• Could you gently confront a “No but..” person to raise their awareness and understand why they are like this with you?

Might you sometimes be “No but..“?

• Are you a great conversationalist with everybody or does it sometimes feel competitive?
• We can all feel threatened or insecure. Might you sometimes subtly slip into “No but..“?
• Do we have straight-talking people around who would expose this in us and are we humble enough to admit it?